SEXTALK FOR COUPLES: COMMUNICATING ABOUT SEX

We are all sexual beings from the day we are born to the day we die. We all want to experience a lifetime of passionate, healthy sex. Good sex comes from spending quality time together and making it fun.

Many couples have difficulties with relationships and with sex. This often stems from the messages about sex and intimacy that we received when we were growing up. Consider the following questions:

1. Am I happy with the information and attitudes I have about sex?

As children, we learn about relationships and sexuality through observing the relationships of significant others (usually our parents) and we adopt their attitudes and values. Even if parents never talk to children about these things, their children "inherit" messages about how men and women interact from their parents, about intimacy and about sex.

Children are taught to obey parents and do what they are told. Most adults have accepted this "programming" from parents about what sex and relationships are all about. Some messages are positive and some are not. This is not the "fault" of parents - since they are only passing on the programming they got from their parents.

We need to stop and think - what are my attitudes and values about sexuality? Am I happy with such attitudes and values? What impact are these attitudes and values having on my personal life, health and relationships? Do these attitudes and values equip my own children well to live happily in today's society? What can I do to change them (if I don't like them)?

2. Are my needs for sex and intimacy being met?

Intimacy is not only about sex - it's about the whole of the relationship. Real intimacy takes place between two people who find themselves talking about important intimate subjects, their opinions, feelings and aspirations. If there are problems with non-sexual aspects of the relationship, this may affect sexual fulfillment.

Intimacy can quickly progress to sex. Such intimate communication leads to "really seeing" the other person which leads to touching and exploring each other's bodies. Sexual intimacy is that inner sense of loving and being loved.

In the past, having pleasurable sex and a satisfying relationship were regarded as unconnected. Today, for many people, neither sex for procreation or sex for pleasure alone is enough. Having satisfying sex within the context of a loving relationship is taken more seriously than ever. But how can we achieve it?

3. How do I communicate about my sexual needs?

One of the greatest barriers to a good sexual relationship is an inability to talk about sex. We find it's easier to have sex than to talk about it! Many couples have never established a habit of talking about their feelings and about the sexual aspects of their relationship. Often this stems from the messages they received in childhood that sex is not to be spoken about.

It's never too late to start talking about sex and to review your attitudes to sex. Talk with your partner about why it's hard to talk about it. Be honest about how you feel when the topic is raised, and why you think you feel that way.

Begin by sharing your sexual histories and such topics as how you received your sex education and first awareness of sex. Keep it light-hearted and laugh!

Read books or view DVDs about sex and discuss them with your partner. LoveLife Plus has a great range of books and DVDs just right for this. There are also entertaining games that can help break the ice as you practice communicating about sexual matters - 52 Weeks of Naughty Nights, 52 Weeks of Romance, Fantasy cards. Play with your partner and have some fun!

Next time you and your partner have sex, talk about it - discuss what was great and what both of you would like to make even better.

4. Do I know what my partner likes and dislikes about our sexual relationship?

Just as you make time for sex, make time for talking about it. Turn off the radio, TV or sound system. Put down the newspaper, book, magazine or computer mouse. Concentrate on what your partner is saying.

Ask questions (eg Do you prefer it when…?); and make comments to increase your understanding of what your partner is saying (eg Oh yes, that's what it was like when we were on holiday); and reflect back what you have understood your partner to say (eg "So I think you'd like us to spend more time setting the mood for sex?).

Be supportive of your partner's efforts to communicate. Acknowledge that it is difficult but that you value the fact that your partner thinks it worth making that effort. Keep eye contact; by doing this you demonstrate that you are focussed and that you value what is being said. Make it clear that you will value your partner regardless of what they say.

Agree that you know it's hard for both of you, but you think it's great that you're doing it. Perhaps you can commit to setting aside some time each week to discuss these things.

5. How can we rekindle that spark ?

Now that you've started to communicate about intimate things, take a risk and reveal some of your innermost thoughts about sex (not necessarily about your own relationship). This will show that you trust your partner with your thoughts and feelings and are willing to take a risk yourself.

Explore your preferences - use fantasy, masturbation and experimentation. Say no to what you don't like and yes to what you like.

Spend some time on non-penetrative sexual routines - sensual touch, mutual pleasuring, self-pleasuring - so you maintain physical and emotional contact but take the pressure off "performance".

Practice making requests and expressing concerns. Try something different when you have sex. Watch the educational DVDs and select one of the ten ways to make sex even better to add to your sexual repertoire!

6. How can I make the most of my lovelife?

Be realistic - there's no such thing as "perfect" sex or a perfect relationship
Be patient - after the initial lust, there will be troughs and peaks
Be willing to learn - rethink your attitudes to sex and talk about it
Be willing to teach - show your partner what turns you on.
Be prepared to take time - prioritise your lovelife over other things and don't hurry it!
Be unpredictable! Break your usual routine with surprises, fantasies and experiments.