AGEING SEXUALLY

We are all sexual beings from the day we are born to the day we die. So it's natural for couples to maintain sexual activity throughout their relationship and well into their twilight years.

A recent survey of older couples (aged over 60 years) by the American National Council on Ageing found:
- 40% had a desire for more sex
- 25% of couples over 75 had sex at least once a week
- 60% of couples between 45 and 59 years had sex once a week.

Relationship experts agree that sex is a key component of relationships but illness, surgery, and the physical factors that accompany ageing can all affect an older couple's sex life.

When events such as these occur, some people find that their sex lives never recover. In these cases, other forms of intimacy can be wonderful substitutes for sexual intercourse. Kissing, hugging, touching tenderly, sleeping naked together or just snuggling can keep those feelings of "connected-ness" very much alive so that couples still reap the health benefits of the effects of caring for each other. Their loving has that "feel good" effect that releases the "pleasure chemicals" (endorphins) in the brain. These endorphins relieve anxiety and depression, increase vitality and boost the immune system.

Some couples drift apart sexually, have separate bedrooms but are happy with pleasurable companionship. One or both partners may have sexual needs met through masturbation (self-loving).

But many couples find that they are never too old for an enjoyable sex life, and surveys have confirmed that many older people continue to enjoy sexual activity into their 80s and 90s. Sex may assume less importance but can still be deeply satisfying.

How ageing can affect sexuality

On the positive side, ageing couples can experience:
- Reduced frequency of sexual desire
- A more leisurely lifestyle, with more time for sex
- Greater understanding of each other's sexuality as they are more likely to know each other very well
more enjoyable sex, even if less frequently

On the negative side, there may be:
- Reduced frequency of sexual desire
- Longer arousal time, with more genital stimulation needed
- Reduced lubrication for women
- Feeling of being unattractive and undesirable
- Weaker erections and less powerful ejaculations
- Health problems or medication that affect capacity to have erections - e.g. diabetes or drugs for high blood pressure can affect sexual functioning
- More anxiety about having sex
- Long held negative attitudes towards sex and ageing can affect relationships and sexual functioning
- Lack of privacy if not living in own home or needing special care.

How you can help yourself

Remember that a sex life is not compulsory. The point of your sex life is to bring greater happiness to you and your partner. If you both feel happy not to continue with your sex life, that's fine. But if you both wish to have an enjoyable sex life there's no reason why you shouldn't. You are entitled to the health benefits of a happy and healthy sex life.

You can do it differently. If you do both want to continue a sex life, sexual intercourse isn't the only way to express your love. If lack of an erection is a problem, consider masturbation, using a vibrator, or oral sex.

Adjust your expectations. Be honest with yourself about factors that might be having a negative effect on you sexually, and address these, either by changing your outlook, or changing what you do. For example, if you are worried about the appearance of your older body, choose clothing or lighting that allows you to look your best, then relax and forget about it. If you are worried about your ability to withstand vigorous sexual intercourse, try new positions that require less physical effort.

Communicate about your new needs and expectations. If one partner has expectations that are not being met by the other, sort the problem out rather than let resentment or guilt take over. If you aren't already used to communicating about sex, you might find it difficult to start. Our information sheet Sextalk for couples: communicating about sex provides some useful tips.

Forget about performance. Slowing down in both men and women is natural. The natural slowing down of your sexual responses may even bring you closer to each other as stroking and cuddling become more important.

Expect temporary setbacks. There will be problems along the way. Don't assume a minor setback is the beginning of the end of your sex life. It's natural for an illness, or a period of depression, to lessen your desire for sex and temporarily be unable to respond to your partner. Once you feel better, your sex life will probably improve again. Even younger couples experience such setbacks.

Use props to improve your sexual mood. Books, toys, videos, DVDs, hosiery…you may never have used such things before, but sometimes we all need a little assistance as we age. Most of us don't need a walking stick at 20, but may well need one at 80. LoveLife Plus has many products that can help to add a little sparkle to your lovelife.

Sort out relationship problems. If your relationship with your partner has been unsatisfactory for years, you may feel it is pointless to try to change it. In fact, it is never too late to try to improve things. You and your partner may have many years of companionship and loving ahead with more time to enjoy one another.

Try more foreplay. Both men and women as they age may need more foreplay to become aroused. It can take good timing and understanding for both to achieve arousal before an erection is lost. Have a good laugh and try again later! Or try something else - massage, oral sex or just cuddling. The happiness gained from just being together and communicating about each other's needs, will be good for your health.

Use a lubricant. Whatever a woman's age, sex shouldn't be painful. A good quality lubricant is any easy way to solve this problem for many women. He will enjoy the increased lubrication too.

Strengthen those pelvic muscles. Many ageing women (and some men) suffer from weakened pelvic muscles which can affect sexual enjoyment and lead to stress incontinence. Regular sexual activity and orgasm means the pelvic muscles are used and well toned - just like any other muscle of your body that you use often. Childbearing and health problems can lead to weakened pelvic muscles. Often exercising these muscles can dramatically improve incontinence problems and improve sexual enjoyment. See our information sheet on Pelvic Muscle Strengthening using our range of sex-ercisers. Men can also do sex-ercises through the anus that can improve pelvic muscle tone and prostate health.

New partners. If you have a new partner, be aware that you need to protect yourselves against sexually transmitted infections. Use condoms until you have both been checked and cleared of any STI. In the past 5 years in the UK, the numbers of people with gonorrhoea and syphilis have increased three-fold in the over-65s. LoveLife Plus offers the private discreet sale of top quality Australian-made condoms, including the female condom, which is ideal for older women who want to practice safe sex.

If self-help ideas don't work

Some older people will not be able to solve health problems and changes in their sex lives for themselves. Some women may need vaginal hormone treatments. Some men may need to have medication adjusted to improve their sexual functioning. Such solutions will need to be supervised by a doctor or a specialist health service. LoveLife may be able to direct you to an appropriate practitioner or service.


REMEMBER:
For most people, communication and patience are the keys that enable ageing couples to maintain their sexual "connected-ness". This is the real meaning of LoveLife Plus!